Location: Yarpur Slum, Patna, Bihar
Average Daily Income per household: Less than Rs 50
Access to Basic Services: Nil
Nutrition: 1 meal a day
Smile: Intact, Unadulterated

Introducing.. The Dog!

Code name: Coco
DOB: 12th January 1998
Eyes: Black
Hair: Black
Teeth: Shining White
Breed: Spaniel
Weight: 10 kgs
Height: 1'2"
Pitch: E Minor (Soprano high)

Strengths: Sharp teeth, glass shattering voice
Weaknesses: Food (his favourite food- whatever you are eating while he is around)
Opportunities: Can be a good noisemaker
Threats: Too clever to be obedient

Looks like folks back home have taken the wedding project very very seriously. Right now, even as they haven’t put their finger on a single prospective groom, they have been planning everything else beforehand and, in fact, are just short of deciding the date for the wedding.

I recently visited a cousin who runs a boutique of her own, and heard from her that the orders for my wedding sarees have already been placed! I panicked and called back my mom hoping to clear the ‘misunderstanding’ at some end. I ended up in awe when she gladly confirmed that “This end has indeed been tied up in advance since it takes some time to get sarees crafted to custom”.

“Wow.” I asked. “What other ends have you tied up if I may dare ask?”

“Well not many actually. I have spoken to the jeweller and have selected some designs but you need to take some time out from your mad schedule and try and be in town to go and select the jewellery in person. The caterer has been spoken to, once we decide on the date, you can finalise the menu and the venue. Dad says we should to stick to our deadlines.”

“You have a deadline?!”

“Well, you know your dad, his deadline for everything is ‘yesterday’. But we would like to have most things in place by the end of this year”

“But there is no groom in picture!”

“We know that. But what is the point putting off the rest of the preparation in want of a groom? And in any case, looking at the pace of your rejections, I really think we need to take that in our hands too. At this rate, you will just waste time and end up with nothing.”

Note: I would also love to mention that in this manhunt mania, mom almost fixed me up with my cousin brother! It so happened that my aunt had put up an ad for him and well, since they do not reveal identities in newspaper ads, mom was just about to dial their number when she recognised the number and later narrated the incident to me to everyone amusement. I was the only one not amused.

At this rate, I think I will end up getting married ‘alone’. Groom might as well take his own sweet time to come in later and sign on the papers and maybe do his part of the rituals. Why hold back our ‘component’ of the project for him?

P.S. In this entire rigmarole, do I ever look behind at my life? I would be lying if I say I don't.  Some things are difficult to forget. Like the Eagles said “You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave”. And I have checked out long back. Some thoughts are better left ignored in some dingy corner at the back of your mind, and just left there under a pile of smiles :).

Mini Me is not me. I am good but Mini Me is bad. But there are times when I take a back seat and Mini Me takes over. Here are some of her meanest antics that I am truly ashamed of:

When my boss happily announced about his promotion:

Mini Me reacted: "Wow. How?"

Later in the evening at a party thrown by him when he offered me a drink:

Mini Me: "Celebrate? Me? Why?"

To boss again during an informal conversation when somebody revealed about my dancing skills:

Boss: "Hey thats news to me! You never danced with me?!"

Mini Me: "Did I tell you I also learnt martial arts?"

To a colleague with bad breath and yellow teeth, who took just one of the mints I offered:

Mini Me: "Please take one more.."

Later at the same colleagues birthday party:

Mini Me: "Here you are.. I hope you like it........Imported (!) dental floss"

Upon mistakenly 'replying to all' on an email, I was embarrased when some stranger complained back but Mini Me replied: "Ouch! Hope it didn't hurt much?!"

To a female colleague who hugged me twice in the same day:

Mini Me: "That was sweet. But I'm straight."

It has been some time since the Manhunt for the most eligible bachelor has begun..And I can see it is being taken up in a very professional and organised manner - a series of evaluation rounds of incoming proposals, structured rejections with documented justifications and of course the very stringent shortlisting process. All this before the final selection of candidates who will actually be contacted in person. The rest wouldn't even know they were here (that is one good thing the facilitating agencies offer, there is no embarrassment of upfront rejection).

While dad has taken up a no compromise approach to the process, mom has been trying to create a balance somewhere and in the process, has turned out to be disastrously flexible.

The process is being taken up on a monthly basis, so there is a short list and a shorter list and a shortest list every month. This month the shortest list comprised of just one individual. And this is how it went..

Sunday afternoon (I usually feel very sleepy on Sunday afternoons)

Mom walks in with some suspicious looking papers:

"Here. These four have been shortlisted this month. Let's just go through it and see which one is worth taking up further.."

Me: "You guys decide. Afterall you are the one who'll make the calls."

Ma: *stares angrily at me*

Me: "Ma..(yawn)..I just have one Sunday to relax.."

Ma: "If the talks do get through, who goes to meet the guy?"

(I pictured an awkward groom having candle light dinner with my dad)

Me: "Sigh. Ok, lets see. "

No. 1 - Doctor in a government hospital. Rejected. (I presume he would be too busy and have no time for me)

No. 2 - Age - 11 years elder. Rejected. Generation gap.

No. 3 - Surname: 'Hore'. Rejected. I can't imagine myself as Mrs 'A Hore'

No. 4 - Just a few months elder to me. All seems OK. Nothing exciting though but at least not rejected.

Ma: "Just one?"

Me: "Yup."

Ma: "We don't have a single doctor in the family..it would be so nice to have one in case of emergency.."

Me: "He is an opthalmologist."

Ma: "And the second one? It would take a mature person to handle you. I think this one can be considered.."

Me: "Sure. Is it ok if I call him 'uncle'?"

Ma: "And the third one? You just rejected him because of his surname? I can understand it doesn't sound very good, but we could ask him to get it changed through an affidavit?"

Me: "Come back to me if you can get him to do that."

Ma: "What about that uncle's son who is an investment banker in NY? His father is so keen that you both should see each other.."

Me: "I've seen him the last time he was here."

Ma: (Anxiously) "And?.."

Me: "He doesn't smile; he is too fat and has no control on his appetite; AND he is two years younger to me."

Ma (after a pause): "We can get him to a gym and reduce weight; he can see a psychologist who can make him smile."

Me: "What about the age?"

Ma: "Mmm....Change his birth certificate?"

Like all diligent Indian parents in the world, my parents are looking for a match for me these days. Since I am such a WoW, they hardly find me at home except on certain weekends. Weekends, that turn into a battleground with animated discussions on how to go about the great hunt for Mr Right. One such weekend, some forms were being filled in for a matrimonial agency..

Me: Ok I have filled in my professional qualifications. Now you guys fill in the rest. (clearly bored and uninterested)
Dad: Ok. What are you filling in the complexion column?
Brother: (sudden and unwanted appearance) BLACK. Leaves no room for doubt
Me: (ignoring bro) dark. of course
Dad: You dont say dark
Ma: You are NOT dark
Me: Since when?
Dad: You shud write wheatish..
Me: I am Not wheatish. I am just dark
Ma: But it sounds so bad..
Me: But it is the truth
(Ma and Dad have a morose ex-pression now)
Dad:(straightens up) Wheatish has many shades..
Bro: (sudden appearance again) In that case please provide a shade card along with photo.
Me: Ok fine. Is tan ok?
Ma: How does brown sound?
Bro: She will get proposals from africanos..
Ma: Tan it is..

On another such weekend, when they were showering me with proposals, their memory chanced upon one of my very few single male friends they knew of..now this friend has been a good friend of mine but he has bizarre mood swings that earned him the adjective "bipolar"..Some excerpts from the conversation..

Ma: What about him? Do you like him?
Me: Uff Ma (irritated)
Ma: Why? Whats wrong with him?
Me: (thought a bit) Nothing..he is a bit crazy
Ma: Mad? Then how does he work in office?
Me: Uff his firm doesnt know he is mad.
Dad:(enters the room) Who is mad? What are we talking abt here?
Ma: We just have an additional candidate here. He is a friend of hers and I just saw his pic too.
Me: Ma! He is no candidate, he is just a friend
Dad: So what? You will need to be friends with whomsoever you spend your life with. Or you want us to look for foes for you?
Me: Uff dad.. but we keep fighting frequently and then making up after long awkward silences
Dad: You can do that all your life after you get married. Get me his dad"s name and number.  
Me: (pillow on my head and ears now) Darn!..leave my poor friend alone!
Ma and Dad: (after a pause) Ok..what about your other guy friends?
Me: (Without blinking an eye) ALL MARRIED OR GAY!

It was a rainy Sunday afternoon....me and my cousin were lazing around the house....actually lazing...literally, and you'll soon know why..

Lately I had been showing him around some innovative blogs on the internet and suddenly found him all excited (mentally) about writing something creative about himself. We sat and thought for sometime as to what he should write about...since I am the more experienced 'writer' among the both of us, he requested me to don the thinking cap too..I was sleepy..but then reluctantly agreed..was too lazy to explain and put up a fight for not helping him out...

We sat on the couch..thinking...finally he ran a word pad..stared at it for some time..slouched slowly as the time passed..the laptop slowly moved up, it was no more a laptop, was a tummy-top now... twenty minutes later it was a torso top..held above with the chin..too much effort holding it with hands I guess...

The cursor on the word pad blinked at us expectantly.."come on guys..." We stared at each other in despair..we consciously tried to stare away from the poor cursor to avoid being reminded of our dire situation..even kept the font size to a minimum so that the cursor remains least conspicuous...

We stared out of the window and sighed...Finally, he turned his head back to the word pad and with great enthusiasm typed in the opening lines.." It was a rainy Sunday afternoon..." By that time, he had also decided what the subject of the post would be..triumphantly he looked at me and said, ‘sloth/ laziness’..ok now you write something on it..I said ”sorry it is your blog so you write...I can edit it for you"...he gave me a look that reminded me of a little kid on his first day at school when his mom bids him good bye at the school gate..

Meanwhile the cursor kept blinking innocently again reminding us of the creative famine that prevailed in the room.....somehow I wanted to get over with my part (whatever that meant) and go off to sleep (as I had planned originally)..so then I took the laptop from him and said ‘ok now let’s go through your laziest activities’. We pondered over them for the next few minutes...there was certainly no dearth of matter for this one...

We could talk of his dry wash sessions that replace a normal bathing routine, or the smses or missed calls he gives to buzz people in the next room..or the times when he keeps snubbing at his poor constipated dog who whines to go out to attend to his essential calls..or the cordial invites he sends his friends when he wants to have good food (friends need to cook for themselves and for him)..

As I delved deep into my thoughts..suddenly the doorbell rang..we looked at each other in horror, who would get up and answer the door??? I shrugged and said ‘look I’m writing your blog so..’ He stared at me, I promptly read his thoughts ‘who can it be? If it is someone who really needs to come in, let him/her ring it once more’..The doorbell rang again, reluctantly he got off the couch and walked up to answer the door wearing slippers on wrong feet, I noticed, had not bothered to interchange them..came back and finally..tired of staring into my screen, gave it up and started playing city bloxx on his phone...

It was my chance of escaping the charade and I grabbed it with both hands..stole one sly look at him..he was too busy building his tower..I turned back to the cursor..smiled at it and bid it farewell...quickly clicked ‘save file as’...’laz...’, pulled my feet up, straightened myself and before anyone could notice...drifted off to wonderland....

Theodore Roethke was right when he said;

In moving-slow he has no Peer.
You ask him something in his Ear,
He thinks about it for a Year;

And, then, before he says a Word
There, upside down (unlike a Bird),
He will assume that you have Heard--

A most Ex-as-per-at-ing Lug.
But should you call his manner Smug,
He'll sigh and give his Branch a Hug;

Then off again to Sleep he goes,
Still swaying gently by his Toes,
And you just know he knows he knows

No guys, I am not revealing my vital stats here, WoW doesn't really stand for wow!! (wink..whistle..wink)!! :)

What it does stand for, however, is what has been my status for some time now 'Woman on Wheels'!

Frantic at best is how I describe my itinerary, barring a few welcome breaks when I do manage to catch up with 'domestic life', I guess I have pretty much been living out of a suitcase. My traveling job has more often than not elicited a 'wow' from several of my friends and cousins who have a more or less sedentary life.

And like all new things we get in life, me too pretty much liked it in the begining, but as the travel schedules started getting crazier, I started fretting and sulking and groaning at the thought of packing off to a new destination at the drop of a hat. At times I really prayed hard I don't end up as a 'Woman on Wheelchair'!

Like most WoWs would agree, traveling has its highs and  lows..

The highs?

Well..the usual ones.. You get to see so many different faces, visit different places, try out new and varied cuisines, so it is anything but boring.

You get to meet so many new people, of course, I personally don't socialise at airports, but you always have that option, especially if you are a chatterbox you might just end up meeting a good listener (or victim, as the case maybe) for two hours or as long as the flight or your good times last.

You can feast your eyes with some eye candy, depending on your sexual preferences and also which flight you are taking and to where - some routes I have noticed have better looking people than the rest, so can go by stats (again, not vital stats!) and apply thumbrule here.

And the pitfalls?

All the different faces that you see may not be the nicest ones, the different places that you see may include ones with stench and bad roads and barren deserts, and the zeal with which you try out the different cuisines may end you up with a bad tummy.

Talking of socialising at airports, you may often come across bizarre people, some of them rudely snubbing at you for accidentally running your strolley into theirs, or mistakenly picking someone else's baggage thinking it is yours - There was a time when I could never identify my bags and by the time I checked the baggage tag the bag would have either happily moved on for another ride on the merry-go-round or would have been lifted by someone else, so I majorly relied on blindly trusting my copassengers' ability to identify their own lugguage so that whatever was left in the end was mine. These days I carry bags that are more or less exclusive in colour and design and can be easily spotted even from a distance.

Then you have irate cotravelers: I saw  this woman recently who was hit by a featherweight sponge ball at the check in counter and she screamed at the poor guy 'Hello! This is not a playground!'

At the check in counter, the only thing that bothers me is how soon to bag a window or aisle seat. I hate the idea of being sandwiched in the middle seat, worse if between two men and worse still if the one on the window seat has a bladder problem.

Coming to eye candies, well, we often forget that others maybe eyeing us too, and especially for female travellers this unnecessary attention can often reach various dimensions of discomfort. The last thing I want at the end of a tiring tour is some slimy stalker flashing a yellow toothed grin at me at the lounge.

Some funny people like me are scared of sleeping alone, away from home, in the dark. I invariably keep some of the lights turned on and the tv mute but on (to create the illusion that I am not alone) while I try and sleep away from the cosy comforts of my own bed. Ok I admit I may not have much company when it comes to being so chicken hearted but hey am I not woman enough to accept it! :P

Finally, traveling alone is not very appealing to people like me, if it is a nice place, I wish I had someone to share it with, if it is a not-so-nice place, I wish much the same! Whoever said solo female travelers are happy souls..I protest!

P.S. I know the list is not exhaustive, I surely have missed out the endless wait at airports, the body aches, the dark circles, personal life going for a six and a host of vital outfalls. Pl feel free to add to the cribs :)

Do not let my grief

Throw you back into the deep
That you strived to conquer

That is not where you belong

None of us ever did..

Do not lead yourself to believe
That I am in pain
'Cause trust me, there is none

Not anymore..

I breathe, therefore I am

And will be thus, forever

Somewhere in the depths

Comfortably numb..

I was in the capital last week, on work, and all I did the whole week was shuttle between the office and my hotel. Thanks to my project timelines, I couldn't manage to drag myself out to any of my favourite haunts in the city for a single decent meal.

As I sat and sulked over a bowl of bland soup and tasteless cheese sandwiches, I tried battling off visions of grilled lobsters and smoked salmon salad and caramel custard.  Wrong timing, I grumbled, as I drifted into my delectable past (when it came to food) where I spent 4 years of my life nibbling around and nodding my head and licking my fingers and sermoning my friends on what to have and where not to have it.

My fav breakfast destination was the barista at Khan market, I know its not big enough, but it has this nice semicircular corridor with huge windows where you could bathe in the good morning sun and dig into soft and crispy hot waffles with honey and of course, coffee, capuccino or black americano. I would recommend this place for a breakfast meeting with your friends on a winter weekend, or with your spouse on sundays when you feel too lazy to whip up a breakfast after a tiring week; or, if you don't have anyone for company, might as well enjoy the serene morning alone with a nice book. Other Barista favourites are the country chicken pie at Barista Creme, South Ex,  and the fudgie brownie at barista at New Friends colony (ok.. you get it at all baristas but I especially liked the ambience at this one)

The other coffee haunt many people like is CCD, well I never could take too much of a liking to it and went only in dire straits when nothing else was in sight only to walk out with a chicken hotdog (acc to me thats the only thing they know to be consistent with)

One could also try out Dilli's special Choley Bhaturey at Nathu Sweets at bengali market, the choley comes with cubes of paneer and this tangy chutney with sliced raw onions and green chillies, and trust me, these guys are the best at it and what's more, its even official. I would also vouch for their gol gappas. I prefer the ones with Suji (or rawa) rather than the flour balls, I just think they are more crunchy, besides I don't get those in any other city. Ideal time to visit would be, well, for me, anytime,  but for normal people, evenings are better.

I also have a special fondness for the Nathu's pastry outlet in bong market, coz I remember knowing their menu by heart, blame it on my umpteen lunches there with a female colleague. It was our favourite destination for our bitching sessions..about bosses, boyfriends, husbands, ma-in-laws, you name it. It was the only place we could go in summers because it is the only place in that area that is airconditioned. Their chicken cutlets are good, so is their caramel custard and fresh fruit tart. I often took home a loaf of their multigrain bread that I thought was better textured than what I had anywhere else.

The Triveni Art Gallery canteen on Tansen Marg is a great place to bask in the winter sun if you ditch the low seating indoors for the cane chairs outside in their courtyard overlooking the amphitheatre. They keep their food quite simple and non spicy, would recommend their non oily kebabs, walnut brownie and carrot cake  along with whatever else you order.

All said and done, when I dream of food, I always dream of an Anti pasti Platter at Big Chill (Khan market and East of Kailash) or a cold buffet at the Intercon (Grand Intercontinental, Connaught Place). Big Chill has an impressively elaborate menu and is famous for the best desserts in town. Their mezze platter aint bad either, niether are their pizzas or pastas or grills, they are just so good at everything.

The cold buffet at Intercon is, well, a dream come true for sea food lovers coz you could choose from lobsters and prawns and clams and salmon in addition to the cold meat and cheese that usually comes with cold buffets or platters. I, for one, am a complete sucker when it comes to seafood and this one rocks. If going a-la-carte, do try their smoked salmon salad, its quite innovative with pineapple cubes stuffed into layers of smoked salmon, totally worth it.

Delhi's favourite destination for Indian style seafood is probably Swagath, they have outlets in Defence Colony, Malviya Nagar and now in Noida too. Their spicy Prawn Sawantwadi is expectedly good with soft appams that melt in your mouth, but what many don't know is that Swagath serves probably the best Hyderabadi biryani in town. They use a special fine grain rice with an aroma that is simply heavenly.

While I'm talking of seafood, I have to mention the seafood soup at San Gimignano, the Italian restaurant at the Imperial. They also have a nice Sunday brunch which is often held at the beautiful garden adjoinining the restaurant. Rating on the basis of food and ambience, I must say they are the best of all Italian restaurants in the capital. Travertino at the Oberoi comes in second, I may be a bit biased since their chef is cute (I hope they haven't changed that one ;) The rest are all passe when it comes to authenticity (I hate tandoori chicken pizzas!)

I know I am missing out a lot of places, well probably in my next post, but for now..

Food, glorious food!
What wouldn't we give for
That extra bit more --
That's all that we live for
Why should we be fated to
Do nothing but brood
On food,
Magical food,
Wonderful food,
Marvellous food,
Fabulous food,
Beautiful food,
Glorious food!